I want.

Seems to be the question and the answer for me.

Yet.  I need.
A song that is singing loudly in me.

I want.  I need.

I think I want.  I think I need.

Oh there we go with the hanging on and struggling that we all do.  So difficult to let go and flow with the life we are living.  I tend to speculate and pretend to know what is going to happen next.  What a funny little energy spending waste of time.  And, hello.. I am usually always wrong.  The outcomes are so very different from what I have perceived them to be.  Deep breath.

I am learning to let it go.  The hold I have on other people's reactions, thoughts, and emotions.  It has taken the better part of my life.  And where was I during all of this? The "conversations" I have had in my head.  The reactions that my body has had during these "conversations".  I have suffered greatly.  I have held on for way too long thinking that I could control my emotions by speculating what another is going to say and do.  How do I know what another feels? I speculate to soften the "blow" of disappointment because I know it will be terrible.  How wrong.  How awful.  This is not love for another or love for myself.  It is disrespectful.  It is unaccepting.  Sigh.  Old thinking.  Detrimental thinking. Yesterday's way of living.  Can I tell you that I am smiling at myself right now as I write this.  It makes me giggle.  It makes my heart love me more. 

What an interesting epiphany. 

So human.  Waiting in agony, suffering.

And, how many times has the ending of a situation been wonderful when I have thought that the ending would be devastating? Ha. Too many times to count.  Does that make me a pessimist.  Perhaps it does.

But, I am learning.  And, I am more peaceful than I have ever been.  And, I am looking forward to gaining more peace in my heart. 

And you know.  I used to think that these quotes that say: "If someone doesn't give you the love that you "think" you deserve, set them free" was the way to live.  I know better and I get this type of thinking to a certain level.  Yet, if that certain somebody who challenged you wasn't in your life, you wouldn't learn valuable lessons.  That person is in your life to teach you and build you. And you are there to teach them too.  So, letting them go is not an option for me but I won't hang on either.  But, what does it mean when a person makes it hard for you to love them yet you keep trying.  What if the love you are giving is not reciprocated? What if you sit back and love them unconditionally and the love returned is so distant that you can hardly tell if they are just tolerating you and not wanting to hurt you by telling you that you are no longer needed in their life? Ah.. speculating again, yes I am. I guess I am asking that when the signs are there that the relationship is over, why do some of us keep hanging on thinking that by loving them we are doing them a favor? Deep breath.  Limited thinking again this morning but this kind of love is hurting me.  Honesty. 

I love.  I love deeply.  I am learning to love healthier and that makes my heart sing it's beautiful song that it was meant to sing.  And, it really makes me wonder if I have ever had a healthy growing kind of love ever in my life.  An accepting trust and truthful love.  The love that says, I love you when you are unkind to me, when you are beautiful to me, when you are hurting, when you are loving, when you are angry, when you are sad.. the kind of love that says, I will take you no matter what and I love you still, will not leave you, will not think less of you.  The kind of  love that says.. we both can have these emotions yet we still love and will have wonderful conversations and be open and honest with one another.  The kind of love that lets go and lets me breathe and live my life on my own and comes back and wants to hear and support and live in the moments that I have had alone and I want to live in theirs too.   And, I am not just speaking about a "love relationship between a man and a woman", I am speaking about relationships in general.  I am learning. To love you better.  I will fail yet I will love you still.  I am with you.  I will never give up on love.  It's too frickin' beautiful.

I am all over the place in my thoughts.  This could be two to three or four different blogs.  :) smile. 

Peace.  I have to learn "what I am, what I am not, I won't give up even if the skies get rough" Jason Mraz

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.

I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up